2011

It is the end of June, the end of the school year, and I am still waiting to wake up. My one miracle chance, the last hooray, and another chance to get it right....gone.

All gone.


I could chalk it up to cosmic karma, biting me in the ass for all the shit I have done, I know I had a storm of it coming. If I was to be knocked back down to humbleness, believe me, I am there. But without my baby.

So now I know why I wasnt feeling good on new years eve, I was already pregnant. I didnt find out until the end of January, and then I was about 7 weeks along. I was scheduled for an invasive untrasound on the 23rd of Feb., for more accurate dating and to make sure things were going on they way they should be. I had an ultrasound in the dr's office on the 3rd and my Mom came down with me to go, I was glad for the company as we were in there over 2 hours. I did get to see a little heartbeat and movement.

A little jellybean.

On the 23rd Erica wanted to go with to see all the goings on, and prob. more like that she wanted out of school early. We got in there, all set up and the tech. started things up. I knew something was wrong right away. You know that funny numbness you get when the world stops? Right, I didnt know it either until that moment.

And my daughter was in the room watching all this.

I had to hold it together, as they scanned and scanned, but found no heartbeat. The tech. left the room and came back with the dr. who said the most horribe words I had ever heard, and didnt even know existed...

fetal demise...

and then it started snowing outside.

I sometimes think that i might be dead already, and im just going to have to wait for my body to catch up.

It has been 3 months now since I made the painful choice to have a D&C, the most horric experience ever. I was poked, prodded, stuck, and everyone kept trying to get me to tie my tubes "since they were in there anyways and it would be so easy". I know Im older, but come on. The last thing I needed to hear was that. Nobody wants to talk about it, and my family was told to leave me alone, even though I needed support more than anything, from anywhere. I am writing all of this, because I am not ashamed of what happened to me and my baby, I am so sad sitting here on fathers day with a heavy heart.

From there to here...

I was in the car yesterday, riding ala shotgun, and looking out the window had a sudden realization....how did I go from being a 18 year old carefree and wild girl to the woman staring back at me from my reflection in the spotty side mirror? There was no conversation in the car, except for the occasional "stop staring at me" from the back seat that drifts up to the front while the kids are busy playing in their own world. Is this the time in life Mom warned me about? The "dark" period of her life that I scaresly remember while I was being pulled in a wagon behind her as we once again left the house with luggage? Mom never got too far, before Dad was there to collect us, but I wonder if she was where I am now; and that I have stepped into those shoes. I can certainly remember plenty of nights, running around with no money to speak of, buying french fries and laughing it up with friends; now it seems that all there is to talk about is money,or lack there of, and the things we seems to need to buy with it, or worse yet...no talking at all. If you look at it as being worse; sometimes it is a blessing to have no conversation going on.

My coffee filled mornings get me going until about noon, when I need to recharge or refill up on something to get me through the rest of the day. I am my own worst enemy; I think my body is telling me that and I need to listen to it. Cut out the sugar! Little Brit did and look at how fab she is now...and the millon $ personal trainer and chef too im sure, but they dont tell us that. "You are what you eat!"...today I guess then Im coffee and chocolate, doesnt sound too horrible to be me then.

Quick update

Well the weather has been so crummy lately, we needed a pick me up and threw ourselves a "Happy Friday" party. I made a little cake and Daniel decorated it, were still eating it and all its sprinkles.


I got out on Saturday, really for the first time since doing the 1/2. I got in almost 5 miles rain free...**Thank You**! I was a little sore today, but some advil did the trick, along with a java chip frappaccino...oh yeah. I made my way to Cash and Carry to pick up some more syrups, sugar free ones this time too...I cant believe how much sugar I was eating and didnt know it. So at least with my starbucks I know there is a lot in there, but the orange juice?? Come on.



There is now 9 1/2 days of school left, and then we are off for the weekend to "Grammas" for a wedding and dentist appt. to celebrate...yeah....

Stopped and picked up a new sports bra and leggings, Erica found me a top too that I would have never picked up, but I tried it on anyways. She said it looks great, so I take her word for it; she is going to be my new fashion stylist... :)

Action Sports International - www.asiorders.com

Action Sports International - www.asiorders.com

Some photos

So everytime Im up north now, Mom says we need to go see Gramma "just in case". I think she is really worried about her, and rightly so; and I can say that from first hand knowledgt of walking into her dark damp bedroom is one thing, then the ammonia smells hits from all the dog crap and pee, and the bunny she doesnt need in there too that never is changed out. It will kill her eventually, and its so sad to know that and not be able to do much about it aside from calling the "authorities". But I think her being moved out of there would do just as much damage to her emotionally and she would give up anywho, so thats a catch 22. Mom does the best she can to clean her up each time shes there; Gramma lives my my Uncle and his girlfriend of 25 years, and my Aunt is about 5 minutes away but Mom is the one 30 minutes away to come running any time at all Gramma asks her too...sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. Thats love. Ive told Gramma that I have my opinions on the subject but will bite my tongue to keep peace which seems so damn important to everyone in our family; not upsetting anyone or pretty much speaking true feelings. O'well...Shane gets an earfull. He is on the same page with me, but unless Gramma asks to be out of there, we will let her be. She was always such a strong woman, it seems that spirit in her is gone.

I took the kids with me last time up there, they couldnt wait to get out in the horse barn to see Hank and the chicken that is nesting...I hope they all survive (there will be 8 babies then). She was pretty protective over her little nest and thats all the closer we could get!

So Im a little late with this...

But Erica had a good time at her party...she got to see some friends she hadnt in a long time and they got to play catch up with things. Family drama prevented more of a gathing for later but thats ok...Erica was still happy with the way things went!